Monday, December 19, 2005

I cannot express the depth of my hatred towards this new "politically correct" holiday (not Christmas) season. You know it is bad when greeters at WALMART (of all places) will be fired for saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy holidays"... it is utterly ridiculous! So I give you this poem. And although I would love to take credit for this ingenious piece of literature... I did not, in fact, write it. But, it expresses my feelings better than I can.... so I hope you enjoy it... and Merry Christmas.... unless you are a Jew and then I would say... well Merry Christmas and if you are offended then you really just need to get over it.


A Politically Correct Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

So, this won't be long but I did want to let an anonymous someone know that I am making headway in the X-Flighter game and although I am currently at 1,500 points... I soon hope to crush your record.... so until next time (which might be at the meeting where you can see the glory of my soon to be victory for yourself).... adios.

Monday, December 12, 2005

A tribute to great friends... I thank God for you all and I hope one day I can repay you all for your kindness and loyalty.


"Among life's precious jewels,
Genuine and rare,
The one that we call friendship
Has worth beyond compare"
-Anonymous

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever
hold the world together"
-Woodrow Wilson

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies,
but the silence of our friends"
-Martin Luther King Jr.

"Friendship doubles your joys and
divides your sorrows"
-Anonymous

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility,
never an opportunity"
-Kahlil Gibran

"When you ask God for a gift,
Be thankful if he sends,
not diamonds, pearls or riches,
but the love of real true friends."
-Helen Steiner Rice

I love you all dearly! (To borrow a phrase from Sister Debbie, who I also love dearly).

Friday, December 09, 2005

This isn't going to be long, but I did want to send a HUGE "THANK YOU!!!!!!!" to an anonymous someone who happened to put an extraordinary picture of an amazingly gorgeous parrot in my glove compartment. I love it and will treasure it forever! Baldwith forever!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Well, I am not sure whether to feel honored or frustrated at the news of being 'tagged' for this game. But since it was from my good friend Andrew I guess I will fulfill the obligation. Although it will probably be somewhat difficult and most definitely boring so please feel free to look over, ignore, or otherwise pretend not to read this post unless you are Andrew and you should at least have the decency to read it since you were the reason I am filling it out. Anyways here it goes...

Seven things......

...to do before I die
1. live in Memphis once again (this probably wouldn't be number one if I hadn't moved back to KY today)
2. see Andrea Bocelli in concert
3. go to New Zealand, Africa, Texas (All in one trip that way it'll count as one thing to do)
4. run a marathon (Go Isaac and Rachel.... I know they don't read this but they still deserve kudos for that)
5. save at least one person's life
6. memorize the whole book of Romans (especially Romans 8, I love it)
7. make someone's day

.... I cannot do....
1. wear velvet or tear a cotton ball (I have tactilephobia)
2. pop my ear like Lace does
3. knit
4. roll my "r's' (hence why I never learned spanish.... or at least that is my excuse)
5. adequately express my thoughts on this blog
6. beat roy at X-Flighter (I know I know I give up I just can't do it... you win)
7. give in to the new trend of CROCS (or whatever those shoes with holes in them are called)

...that attracted me to my spouse...
1. he can chop wood
2. he knows his way around the dance floor
3. he is a extraordinary gentleman
4. he loves my family
5. he loves to sing
6. he is a carpenter (maybe not by trade but is capable of building something or fixing something)
7. he loves me more than any woman he knows

...things I say most often...
1. "You know?"
2. 'That is out of control"
3. "Like" (I know... it is a bad habit, but such a convenient filler)
4. "I love you Lacey " (or at least more often this past week)
5. "I just know"
6. "I am so happy"
7. "woo hoo"

...books I love...
1. Holy Bible
2. Pride and Prejudice
3. Lords of the Rings Trilogy
4. Number the Stars
5. A Walk to Remember
6. The Notebook
7. With Lee in Virginia

...movies I could watch over and over...
1. Pride and Prejudice (old not new)
2. Casablanca
3. Singing in the Rain
4. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
5. The Patriot
6. Nemo (I know sad but it is really funny)
7. Finding Neverland

... people I want to tag...
1. Kaity
2. Lacey
3. Ryan
4. Tyler
5. Roy
Sorry can't think of three more because I don't know who has already been tagged....
Well I guess that is it I love you and miss you all.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Well, I don't have anything really to write about but since my co-blogging partner (or whatever that title would be) seems to be so full of "posts" then I am feeling a little pressured to meet my quota. So, hmm... yesterday we went to Beale street for the day where we had some interesting happenings, although all cannot be mentioned at the moment, however all in all it was a fabulous day. We did get to go see the new Johnny Cash movie which was SO good. I was very impressed with Reese Witherspoon, but even more so by Joaquin Phoenix... he sounded so much like the real Cash it was amazing. Okay so I know that wasn't very interesting but I just can't think of anything... OH here is something to throw out there... the new Pride and Prejudice movie... yeah it would have been a complete disgrace to Miss Jane and I for one will not stand for hollywood's "make shift" movie. For one thing it does NOT go by the book, and the producers must have thought that because of the time era and poverty that the actors and actress' had to appear frumpy throughout the entire movie. I kept wanting to shove Elizabeth's bangs out of her eyes... and some of the lines.. my word if a guy ever used them on me, yeah well it just wouldn't be good. (Example: "Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy.... and on and on and on) it was just horrible and I would NOT recommend it to anyone... save your 8 some odd dollars... or better yet rent the 6 hour version and order some pizza or something.
Anyways that is my 2 cents for the day I do really hope I can get some inspiration sometime soon. But until then, I bid you farewell.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Tribute to the Beloved Bonneville
Composed by Lace and La on a cold December night in Memphis
(To be sung to the tune of "My Bonnie lies over the ocean")


My Bonnie lies over the gravel
My Bonnie is far from me
My Bonnie lies over that gravel
Don't bring back my Bonnie to me!

(The life and story of Bonnie, the squished grape purple Bonneville)

My Bonnie was once a new model
My Bonnie was shiny and clean
My Bonnie was a very cool model
But don't bring back my Bonnie to me

My Bonnie took me many places
From Memphis to Kentucky and back (many times!)
It also once took me to Lacey's
And that's where the story goes black (not to be racist, we are non-offensive...)

She started getting quite shakey
Brother Joe knew something must be done
And being a real "go-getter"
He took her to a shop in Jack-son (example of poetic license)

The verdict was not all that pleasing
A new rim we would soon have to buy
But back to Memphis we did travel
And thankfully we didn't die!

**** 4 Months Later ****

She made it once more to Lacey's
With a car full of Beauchamps in tow
We went to her birthday party
And then we went out to bowl...

She'd made one more trip back to Memphis
Then home to Kentucky she'd go
Not knowing what lay before her
But, then again, how could she know?

She'd stay in that Bluegrass forever
With the Mamaw and Papaw in tow (we know, Dan, we've used this word before!)
I'll love and remember her for always
But, oh, do I want her?! No! No!

My Bonnie is not with me
I pray she'll love her new home
My Bonnie will probably be happy...
But do I really care?

DON'T BRING BACK
DON'T BRING BACK
DON'T BRING BACK MY BONNIE TO ME!

Hmmm.... I never realized how hard it would be to "publish a post" something that sounds so easy but yet is quite difficult when faced head on... I'm gonna go ahead and tell ya I'm no modern day Austen or Bronte, and I am definitely not as quick witted or smooth talking as Lace, but then again that is why I decided to start a blog with her so that maybe some will attribute her eloquence in speech to me.(See I already have broken the English rule of run on sentences.) Anyways, this is my first post (woo hoo) on our newly developed blog and as you can probably tell I am having some trouble figuring out what to say.... so I'll just give you the basics... well I live in Memphis at the moment but that will be changing in about a week, although that would not be my preference it is probably best for now, but don't worry (or maybe do worry if you happen to be a member of this city) I hope to be returning soon. So yes I will be moving back home (to KY) next Thursday for Christmas (or maybe I should say the holidays in case there are any Jews out there that I wouldn't want to offend) oh yeah that is another fact you should know... this is a non-offensive blog.. so no "short jokes", "blonde jokes", "non-college student jokes", or otherwise demeaning banter (unless contributed by authors of this blog). I guess that concludes this attempt at a "post" and as a newcomer I do hope that my posting skills will improve during this long journey we call blogging. Goodbye for now.